Category Archives: I’m a writer too

I Finished the 1st Draft

I finished the first draft of my novel.

94,432 words.

Twenty-two months of inconsistent writing.

I am a writer.

After a 3,000 word marathon, only minutes before the school bus’s flashing lights would signal my time was up, I typed those beautiful words I never thought I would have the privilege to see upon my screen: The End.

That may sound dramatic, but this writing shit is hard. I’ve stumbled and almost given up and faced nearly depression-worthy writer’s block for months at a time.

I took time off to blog more, to deal with medical issues, to search for a ‘real’ job, to spend time with my family.

I hid from the story lurking on my computer because I was terrified I had no clue what I was doing. I feared I possessed not a single drop of talent.  I convinced myself everything I ever learned about grammar, structure, and storytelling had been banished from my brain and replaced with soccer schedules, recipes, and the theme songs to every children’s televisions show aired over the last eight years.

I convinced myself I couldn’t do it.

But then I had to prove myself wrong.

It may be an absolutely horrid waste of words not fit for even the most illiterate and ignorant reader to despise.

It may be the absolute shittiest of shitty first drafts.

But it’s there.

The story cannot be edited, fixed, transformed into something of beauty and grace and depth until I give it a life on the page.  The awkward caterpillar comes before the butterfly (and this creature is ugly, smelly, and missing a few legs). Now to figure out how the hell this metamorphosis thing works.

Let’s just hope it doesn’t take another two freaking years.

Cheers.


Tweet

November Manifesto

I WILL FINISH MY NOVEL THIS MONTH.
On this first day of November and the kick-off of NaNoWriMo,
I challenge myself not to write an entire 50,000 word novel in a month, 
but just to finish the 80,000+ words I have struggled with for two years. 

I will shift my priorites and just GET IT DONE. It can suck. That’s okay.
I can’t edit and rewrite until I have something to edit and rewrite.

No one else will treat my writing as anything but a hobby unless I take the lead.
It’s not some cute little thing I do between loads of laundry. Well, actually, it is.
That needs to change if I ever want to be published.

Yes, I understand bloggers have jumped on this bandwagon and cooked up NaBloPoMo.
I’m not going to write a blog post a day. 
In fact, I’m going to blog LESS so I can focus on the book.
That is all.

times they are a-changin’

Come gather ’round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You’ll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you
Is worth savin’
Then you better start swimmin’
Or you’ll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin’.
~Bob Dylan

Bob Dylan sang this song, this poem, to me when I was far too young to comprehend any of the complexities of life, of dreams, and of how to weave them into my own reality.   I was in a state of constant flux, throwing care to the wind and not realizing how careless changes could impact my life.  I lived for the day.  And I actually laughed at Dylan–his ragged, nasal, and gravelly vocals launched me into a vicious fit of  giggles. I was lost in the folly of youth, blind of the wraiths of time. 

But the times they are a-changin’.

I just watched my baby bravely march up the school bus steps. He was cool, calm, and ready to take 2nd grade on by storm…at least on the outside.  Somehow I miss him already.  He accepts change with the grace of a young man far wiser than his few years. 

His recent fortune cookie find promises everything  a parent could ever wish for her child: a life of happiness and peace…to have this one must realize that change is the only constant in life.

 My fortune.  If only it will be true.  I know I cannot wait for fortune to find me, I must work to find it.  Time to get back to the grind.  Time to shift focus.

Yes, the times they are a-changin’.

Time to go back to the gym.  It has been a tumultuous summer with far to many doctors visits, minor surgeries, recovery periods, illnesses, and dental drama.  I feel about five pounds heavier.  My clothes feel too snug.  It’s time to step away from the snack foods and step back into a healthy routine.

At the start of 2011 I decided to focus on my blog for a while.  I had no idea how all-encompassing a task this would become.  When I’m not writing an actual post I’m researching or taking and editing photos.  I’ve taught myself some new programs, learned how to create html codes and dabbled in several aspects of design. Then there’s the whole social media enigma.  Facebook, twitter, keeping up with the constant commenting and finding new blogs to comment on–it eats up as many hours as  a full-time job.  And yet it pays zilch.  Need to make some changes.  I’m going to cut back on my blog time.

A new opportunity presented itself when I was invited to join the Bookshelf Bombshells book review site. (If you haven’t checked it out yet, you should.)  Books. Beauty. Brains.  A brilliant group of women. Time for me to step into my new role of responsibility.

And it is time to get back to my book.  I need to finish the damn thing.  Then I need to start at the beginning and rip it to shreds so I can carefully craft it back together with twice as much love and skill.  It is once again time to treat my novel as my job.  Finishing it and selling it would be the best damn “promotion” I could wish for.  But it won’t just happen. I need to make some changes, regain my focus, jump back into the muddy puddle of my writing and dirty myself with words.

discipline. strength. creativity. balance. 
For the times they are a-changin’.

Syndicated on BlogHer Today

 You can find me over on the fabulous BlogHer site today dishing about becoming a Thrift Store Shopaholic.   Want tips about how to find the treasure amidst the trash while slash your wardrobe budget?  Check it out.

I have a confession. I rarely set foot in real stores, yet my closets and drawers are overflowing. I was forced to buy two packs of hangers last week and cleared out the guest room closet to handle the overflow. My Kiddo has a wardrobe stocked with the next two sizes up just waiting for him to grow into. And I would rather slit my wrists than pay retail.  Read more >

And if you’re not  a member of BlogHer yet, you should be.

Or if you want to check out my original post click here.

Cheers.
VB

The Day I Decided TO BE

To be, or not to be…

That was the question I asked myself as I decided who I would become as I made the transition from the hellacious world of middle school into high school.  I was painfully shy, with only a handful of friends (other freaks and geeks), but smart.  If you had seen me back then…actually, you wouldn’t have seen me.  I was invisible, silent, never raising a hand even when I knew the answer, my nose hidden in a book as I waited for the late bell to ring.  It was safer to be invisible, ignored by the poisonous vipers who roamed my school hallways looking for their next victim.

I decided a new school could equal a new life.  I desperately wanted to shed my shyness like a husk of dried up scales and break out into high school flashing my new skin, shiny, beautiful, and effervescent.   I talked myself into signing up for drama.  I decided TO BE.

Of course, I doubted my rash act of bravery once I had my first significant drama piece in hand waiting to be memorized: Hamlet’s tormented To Be or Not To Be soliloquy. No need to start with the easy stuff, right?

Shakespeare and I had met just a few months before and he was rocking my 14-year-old world.  It was challenging yet it was more beautiful than any written words I could ever have imagined.  Even saying the name Shakespeare sounded like a lovely breeze sighing through my lips.  I had a bit of a crush on Old Will.

I can picture myself lying on my childhood bed, the ceiling fan spinning lazily above me, the blue flowered curtains gently blowing in the humid afternoon breeze as I drilled those 276 words of Elizabethan English into my poor brain.  With Webster’s Dictionary at my side I struggled to not only know the words, but to understand them, to feel them flow through my veins as if I was the tormented soul struggling to  comprehend why we keep going through this often wretched life.  It was rather apropos.  It took several nights of fierce concentration, the phone ringer off, my current novel left untouched on the nightstand, to embed the piece into my soul.

The day of the performance I was a wreck.  My palms sweat, my legs barely held me up in the hallways between classes, my knees bounced and knocked against my desk.  I thought I would throw up for sure as the drama teacher called my name.  It took the deepest breath I had gasped since the day I was born and slinked up to the make-shift stage.  And I opened my mouth…

The classroom was filled with words, beautiful, powerful, and passionate flowing through the air.  I didn’t just speak them, I lived them.  They came out without thought or force but with a practiced cadence, clear and pure.

The piece was over before I knew it.  The class erupted in applause.  A scarlet blush flooded my cheeks as the adrenalin coursed through my veins.  I had done it.  And I had done it exceptionally well.

Two days later the drama teacher pulled me aside after class.  One of the leads in the school play had dropped out–would I like the part?  I said yes: to the play, to the part, and to a new chapter in my life.  I was an actress.

To this day I can recite every word of Hamlet’s famous soliloquy by heart, although now it is just a cool party trick.  Thanks Will,  for everything…

Be all my sins remember’d.

This post was written in response to a writing prompt from The Red Dress Club: By Heart.

Are all writers liberal?



 Jodi Picoult’s newest novel, Sing You Home, is a gripping and complex journey through a rainbow of controversial subjects. Gay marriage and parenting, infertility, alcoholism, divorce, adultery, and  the Christian right–topics offensive to some yet close to others’ hearts are flayed open for readers explore. 

Her tale revolves around Zoe, a music therapist who has endured years of infertility treatments in her quest for a child.  She is left reeling after her husband, unable to cope with a recent tragic stillbirth, walks out on their marriage.  Zoe is as surprised as everyone else in her life when she suddenly falls in love…with a another woman.  After a wedding across state lines, the same-sex couple decides to have a child using Zoe’s last frozen embryo, but her ex-husband and his newfound born-again Christian compatriots turn the couple’s desire to have a family into a sensational and very public morality play. 

In a Chicago Tribune review of Picoult’s novel Susan Salter Reynolds writes, “The fact is, literature, when pressed, is always liberal, always progressive, always democratic. The very act of trying to understand the other side (much less create sympathetic characters) is a liberal act.”

Does that mean all fiction writers are liberal?

lib·er·al <a href=”http://dictionary.reference.com/audio.html/lunaWAV/L02/L0226200″ target=”_blank”><img src=”http://sp.dictionary.com/dictstatic/g/d/speaker.gif” border=”0″ alt=”liberal pronunciation” /><//ˈlɪbərəl, ˈlɪbrəl/ Show Spell 

–adjective 

1.  favorable to progress or reform, as in political or religious affairs. 

2. favorable to or in accord with concepts of maximum individual freedom possible, especially as guaranteed by law and secured by governmental protection of civil liberties.   

3.  favoring or permitting freedom of action, especially with respect to matters of personal belief or expression: a liberal policy toward dissident artists and writers. 

4. free from prejudice or bigotry; tolerant. 

5. open-minded or tolerant, especially free of or not bound by traditional or conventional ideas, values, etc. 

6. characterized by generosity and willingness to give in large amounts.  

7. not strict or rigorous; free; not literal.

All writers, in some sense or manner, share their personal values and beliefs with us as they scribble down their stories.  Picoult’s stand on the issues in her novel were crystal clear and would be considered extremely liberal in the political and social definitions.  How much of our personal beliefs are ingratiated into our characters’ thoughts and actions?

Are we liberal because we force ourselves inside the minds of characters, whether they are serial killers or saints, in an attempt to create a well-rounded individual readers believe could exist outside the pages of the story?   Or because we so often push the established boundaries of current and familiar society, subliminally spoon-feeding ideas and dogmas to the reader while they are vulnerable in our carefully concocted realm of suspended disbelief?

What do you think?

When I Grow Up I Want To Be…

“Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.”   Paula Poundstone

Kiddo, at ripe old age of seven,  knows exactly what he wants to be when he grows up.  He wants to build roads.   Or build a real R2D2 and C3PO.  I try to explain that he doesn’t want to be the guy on the asphalt truck at three in the morning sucking fumes for minimum wage, he wants to be an engineer and design the roads.  Building robots (engineering again) is another fabulous choice and I prey he did not inherit my utter ineptitude for math and science.   He can be anything he wants to be (so long as it’s legal and preferably doesn’t involve exotic dancing).  As a parent, I just want him to be happy in life.  All he has to do is work hard, get good grades, go to college and his possibilities will be limitless.

I was always told the same thing growing up.  And I believed every word of  it.  I followed the directions to a “T”.  So why does it seem as if my possibilities more limited than the wild game selection on a vegan menu?

I wonder how many people actually wake each day thrilled to be spending another day at their place of employment, knowing they are fulfilling a lifelong dream, a passion, and truly enjoying what they do.  They don’t just have a job–their job is an extension of who they are.  Is it  dumb luck or a chance of a lifetime that falls into their self-satisfied laps?  More likely they actually know what they want and they have the drive, talent, and tenacity to go after it.   

Jobs I have dreamed of over the years:
Archeologist
Photographer (National Geographic)
Magazine Editor (Vogue or Rolling Stone)
Marine Biologist/Killer Whale trainer (until I discovered I was terrified of sharks)
Actress (must be nominated for Oscar)
Fashion Buyer
Magazine writer
Journalist
Advertising art director/copywriter
Art gallery owner
Frances Mayes
Tina Fey
Novelist

Jobs I have actually held:
Babysitter
Sales Girl/Ear Piercer
Charitable Giving Solicitor
Disney Intern/Indentured Servant/Pirate
Custom Framer/Art Sales Associate
Department Store Department Manager
Bridal Gown Salon Manager
Social Services Worker
Stay At Home Mom/Jane of All Trades

I think it may have more to do with courage.   So many of the things I have wanted to do in my life are creative and involve spilling my heart and soul onto a piece of paper for others to read, critique, and most likely reject.   To make it you need a tough skin, yet as I grow older I find that my skin is thinner and  less resilient, far more prone to injury, and takes longer to heal.  It has been damaged by sunshine and time. I find it far easier to hide in the shade to prevent more wounds than to slather on layers of protection, a virtual suit of armor, and face the chance of gaining more scars.

To succeed that must change. 
When I grow up I want to be brave.

“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face… we must do that which we think we cannot.
Eleanor Roosevelt

The Slippery Slope of the SAHM Resume

This afternoon I finally did it.  I dug my decrepit resume from the bowels of my computer hard drive.  Thank God I remembered to transfer it from the floppy disc it once nearly filled several generations of computers ago.   But I think it belongs in those long ago days.  It is ugly.  It is barren.  It has a great big seven year hole glaring out for all to see.

How do I escape from the SAHM black hole?

With half of Hubby’s office about to get the ax and the survivors hoping to cope with pay and benefit cuts, I decided it might be time to test out the waters.  I don’t know if anyone will think I am qualified to hold any position.  I keep reading horror stories of how college-educated SAHMs can’t even score an interview yet kids with the ink still wet on their high school diplomas get the job.  And  I suck at rejection.

After I nearly cried in desperation, I edited some of the job description/accomplishments/bragging passages. Honestly, they were written so long ago I have no idea what “increased sales by 70%” even means.  Was it $20,000?  $100,000?  $1,000,000?  “I cannot recall,”  would not be a suitable answer in an interview.

I am also a career changer.  I do not want to go back to the retail 60-hour workweeks and insane customers unless my house is on the line.  My last employer, the wonderful State of Florida, is currently laying off a significant portion of its dedicated and experienced staff (a.k.a. possibly the Hubby) so there are no opportunities there.   What’s a girl to do?

My main concern now is the black hole.  Do I fill it with one of the snarky “SAHM & Domestic Goddess Engineer” job descriptions?   It’s not as if I have spent the last seven years on the couch eating Thin Mint cookies while watching HGTV  (just a teeny tiny bit when Kiddo was just an infant and napping).  I’ve raised an intelligent, independent, well-adjusted kid.  I’ve budgeted obsessively and kept us afloat on a single, pitiful government employee salary.   I taught myself new skills as I remodeled my house, doing most of the labor myself. I helped run a popular Moms’ Group, been paid to eat popcorn and have interesting Japanese product engineers take samples of my hair.  I write and take photos for a blog (although I never made any money from it) and I’m so close to finishing the first draft of my novel (which I may now never finish).

But does any of that count on a resume?

To anyone out there in the real world I’m just a simple Stay At Home Mom.

The (In)Significance of Signs

I always say I don’t believe in signs, just as I don’t believe in streaks of bad luck, miracles, or divine intervention.   Yet despite my doubts, I discover strange little omens sneaking up on me, curious coincidences, often startling and even a bit creepy on occasion.

We headed to the beach last Sunday for a day of relaxation and reading, in no way influenced by the fortune which fell out of my Hubby’s cookie earlier in the week (see above).  The day was gorgeous with cloudless blue skies, cool breezes, and plenty of kids scampering along the shore for Kiddo to befriend.  I sat back in my lounge chair to catch some rays and read.

A few pages into my selected reading I started shifting nervously, clenching my teeth, and sweating as if it was the middle of July.

The novel felt a bit too familiar, and I could hear faint echos of my own work in progress  (a.k.a. the novel I have been driving myself slightly crazy over for the last year or so writing).   A wave of panic rushed over me.  But I had never heard of this book until a few months ago…I certainly couldn’t have taken any of the ideas from it…

The protagonist was in a situation similar to mine.  Her children were the same ages.  Her marital situation, her escape to a new life, so many of the emotions she was rolling through were so similar to my main character.

The sea breeze and sunshine could not halt the alarm bells echoing in my head.

My story wasn’t original.  It was trite and tired.  I should just give up now, erase my work with a few simple key strokes and be done with it.

I looked over to where Kiddo was building an enormous sand bunker with a  friend he had picked up on the beach.  The girl, perhaps six or seven, was a spitting image of my heroine at that age–the same coppery long hair, skinny legs, button nose.  My young Eve appeared before me, an apparition of what could be if only I kept going. 

A few minutes later she was joined by her slightly older brother, and yes, he was a dead ringer for my young hero/love interest as a boy.    The book pressed to my chest, I sat staring at the pair imaging them as my characters twenty-five years older and meeting for the first time on the beach as in my story.

A cherubic toddler ran past on a quest to reach the gently rolling waves.  “Come back Evie G. Wait for me!” her harried father laughed as he chased after her.   I felt as if someone had smacked me upside the head with an six-inch-thick dictionary.   The ghosts of writing were coming after me full force, shouting my heroine’s nickname for all to hear.  Honestly, I was getting a bit creeped out.

Maybe it wasn’t time to give up.   There are only so many themes in literature, but each tale of love, hero(ine)’s epic  journey, or fall from grace is told in it’s own way.   I sat back and focused on the differences and discovered the stories were not even nearly the same.  My story is as unique as each freckle on MY Evie’s nose.

 Perhaps there is some significance to those signs after all…

My Word(s) in the Sentinel

I have not been getting much writing or blogging done lately for many reasons (i.e. spring yard work, concerts & late nights out, family things).  But one of the main culprits behind my writers block is how preoccupied I have been worrying about The Sunshine State’s new governor and how his insane budget proposals may utterly wreck my family’s world.  Nearly everyone in my family and many of my close friends are employed by (or retired from) the state…at least for the moment.  They might not be for long…

My Op-ed piece My Word: Public-private apples-orange  was published in the Orlando Sentinel today.   It does feel so very nice to see your name, your work, on crinkly paper and in black and white.

Now I should feel inspired and get back to work on my book…I can do it, I can do it…