The degradation of society is complete. Snooki wrote a book: A Shore Thing.  Excuse me–a mind-numbing “novel” providing a few hours of oversexed and undereducated entertainment for the masses.  Someone please bring me some tequila–as long as it’s not a body shot off a juicehead gorilla.  (Huh?)

Apparently she is a little confused about which way the words go…

It is my habit to race for the remote when realty show celebrities are mentioned. This morning, however,  I nearly snarfed coffee through my nose  as Matt Lauer interviewed the Jersey Shore guidette on the Today Show.  I just couldn’t look away as this Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi described how we can tell she really did write the book (using crayons? dictating into her cell phone?) “’cause like it’s all my language…”   Supposedly it took her three months to write along with her co-writer,Valerie Frankel, who helped her through all the hard work.  Writing a book is hard?  Um, like, no way?  I hope Ms. Frankel received an extremely  lucrative paycheck to compensate for dumbing herself down enough to write this trash.

* “He had an okay body. Not fat at all. And naturally toned abs. She could pour a shot of tequila down his belly and slurp it out of his navel without getting splashed in the face.”

* “Yum. Johnny Hulk tasted like fresh gorilla.”

* “Any juicehead will get some nut shrinkage. And bacne. They fly into a ‘roid rage, it is a ‘road’ ‘roid rage.”

* “Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky.”

* “Gia had never before been in jail. It wasn’t nearly as gritty and disgusting as she’d seen on TV prison shows. The Seaside Heights drunk tank — on a weekday afternoon — was as clean and quiet as a church.”

* “I love food. I love drinking, boys, dancing until my feet swell. I love my family, my friends, my job, my boss. And I love my body, especially the badonk.

I’m not sure if I was overwhelmed with curiosity or nausea when I heard that Simon and Schuster agreed to pay this skank an ungodly sum of real money (would she have noticed if they used Monopoly cash?) to write this tale of guidettes with “one goal in mind: hooking up with a sexy gorilla.”  I think I’m gonna hurl.

I don’t watch the train wreck some consider a show. I would have been thrilled if I never knew any of these cretins were sharing my oxygen.    But one night I flipped to the Jersey Shore (while the Hubby was out of town so there were NO witnesses) to see what the big deal was.  After five minutes I could count the brain cells being sucked through my glazed-over eyes.
It was painful.  It was depressing.  It was…reality?  Whose? 

And how may people who may be  interested enough in Snooki to plonk down 25 bucks of their bar tab money actually READ books?  Maybe they should have made a comic or a picture book?

Snooki’s Top Ten Reasons you should buy her book:

You’re watching Snooki presents on ‘Late Show’ 1/10/11 – TV Replay. See the Web’s top videos on AOL Video

Last April, after she was arrested for disorderly conduct, her judge asked if she was “trading her dignity for a paycheck.”  How many Shore fans are going to trade their paychecks for this 289 page tome?  (Amazon can bundle it with Here’s the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore by Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino and Gym, Tanning, Laundry: The Official Jersey Shore Quote Book by MTV if you really want to destroy your mind.)  You bet your badonk I’d rather save a tree or use it for toilet paper.