Source: shine.yahoo.com via Vinobaby on Pinterest

From:  Vinobaby, an avid book lover and budding novelist
Subject: Fifty Shades of  Hype Grey
Date: March 22, 2012
To: Mature Readers Everywhere (that means Mom & Grandma, this is NOT for you)

I fell for the hype. From the Today Show’s segment on the new mommy porn and the countless articles about the sultry Twilight for grown-ups overtaking the suburbs, Fifty Shades of Grey was everywhere, a publishers wet dream. I had to see what it was about.

I wanted to be floored. I wasn’t impressed.

Fifty Shades of Gray is the story of Anastasia Steele, a naive young virgin, and her romance with Christian Grey, a beautiful billionaire. Days before her college graduation, young, immature Ana fills in for her sick best friend/roommate  and interviews the powerful CEO of Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. for her college magazine.  He is devastatingly handsome. He is rather young himself, especially for a self-made billionaire. He is an utter control freak. Plain, normal Ana falls for him, and even though she is just an “every-girl,” the filthy-rich hunk falls for her, too.

Right.

We discover quite quickly that Christian is not one for a normal relationship. No touching. No staying the night. Just lots of kinky sex. He opens Ana up to the world of chain-filled playrooms, spankings, and calling her boyfriend “Sir.”  He is a dominant and she is supposed to be his submissive. . .she just has a few other ideas in mind.

“I’m no longer angry with him, I suddenly feel unbearably shy. I don’t want him to go. For the first time I wish he was — normal — wanting a normal relationship that doesn’t need a ten-page agreement, a flogger, and carabiners in his playroom ceiling.“

It’s not literature.  Not because of the sex scenes, but because it’s just not written that well. Anais Nin and  Henry Miller spun controversial and steamy stories, but their works still can be found on the literature shelves of bookstores and libraries. Fifty Shades has the distinct feel of a YA novel, just a NC-17 version. The characters are flat, immature, and Ana’s inner dialogue made me want to scream.  Her budding inner goddess thinks, “Holy $hit” every other page. It got old.  She was supposed to be a lit student who easily scored a job with a publishing house. Yet she never owned a laptop. Or, judging by her 13-year-old vocabulary, a thesaurus.

Then there’s the whole brouhaha about possible copyright infringement. The novel supposedly developed from the author E L James’s Master of the Universe fan fiction piece, a Twilight takeoff. While I don’t read fan fiction and the idea of making money on another author’s back is odious, honestly, I don’t see how it’s an issue here.  There are some similarities, yes.  Both of the heroines are naive, unremarkable every-girls who blossom under the watchful eyes of their constant beaus. Only their necessary side of spunk makes them tolerable and different from wet dishrags. And I get it — girls like bad boys with a hidden sensitive side and a sob-story past.  Both Edward and Christian are otherworldly handsome, filthy rich,  and  scarily jealous and controlling.  That whole possessive deal is one of the key issues that scared me with the Twilight saga — millions of young girls and older Twilight Cougars in love with such a controlling freak.  {That’s why I was Team Jacob.}

Speaking of Jacob: his would-be parallel character, Jose, is barely mentioned, not developed at all, and seemingly thrown in just to illustrate Christian’s overwhelming anger and jealousy.  But that is nothing new to fiction, and even a well-developed love triangle is not copyrightable.

There are also none of Twilight’s subplots (or much plot at all, really).  I kept waiting for a  rival pack of rich and carnally hungry dominants to raid the town, leaving a trail of deflowered young girls — some element of mystery or danger.  Instead it is 372 pages of I know I shouldn’t like this guy or this crazy sex, but I think I kinda do anyway..holy crap…

Honestly, a young woman falling for a sparkling, sexless (at least for a while) vampire seems more realistic to me than a college-educated virgin jumping panties-first into a BDSM relationship, complete with contract and all.  I couldn’t bother to root for any of the characters.

I don’t think this book would have received any of the publicity, sales, or a massive book deal if it hadn’t hitched its steamy wagon to  the nonstop Twilight train.  It’s just not that good. I wanted to attack the manuscript with a red pen in hand, because apparently it was thrown into print without a copy editor. Others have said it’s an emotional roller coaster, heartbreaking, and thrilling — I found it to be utterly flat, and as exciting as Disney’s Hall of Presidents.  But hype is everything now, and this book is rivaling  Blue Ivy and the slut controversy.

If you are looking to read some smut, excuse me “erotica,” but you are to nervous to go to your local bookstore to pick some up, I guess this may be worth your time.  {But, just so you know, you can order online and no one will ever know.}  I’m certainly not recommending this book though. I would have put it down after the first ten pages (long before it got to any of the good stuff) if I wasn’t so curious about all the hype. I’m rather disappointed it didn’t live up to any of it.

Have you read Fifty Shades?  What did you think? Five star or one (or a shade of grey somewhere between)?