Someone tell me about the BIRDS and the BEES…

12 Replies



The time is drawing near. 
I won’t be able to deflect the questions much longer. 
How did you approach THE TALK with your kid(s)?


Last weekend I was thrilled to meet up with an old high school/college friend when she came to town to do Disney. She met my “boys” and I met her darling son and hubby. Oh, and she was visibly pregnant with number two (yay!). Knowing I had gone through a rough patch dealing with secondary infertility a few years back, she broke her good news to me gently.  Exceptionally considerate of her, but while I am over the moon happy for her, I am beyond baby lust at this point. Way beyond. As in: that ship hasn’t just sailed, it was attacked by pirates and sunk. The thought of diapers and potty training and sleepless nights and…panic attack central.

I can’t imagine going back to the baby business because my thoughts speed towards standardized testing,  bullying, online safety, kids and cell phones, and…explaining sex to my 9-year-old.

Last night at the dinner table—immediately after my husband excused himself—my son popped the question. Technically questions.

Him:  Mama, your friend was pregnant, right?

Me: Yup.They’re so excited.

Him: (pause—fussing with napkin) So, how do women get pregnant? And how do women KEEP FROM getting pregnant?

Whoa! Panic! Panic! Sound the alarm. Call in the flying monkeys. Swoon? Am I raising a feminist or a Casanova? 

Somehow  I managed to just spear another bite of salad and play it cool. (All those years of acting paid off.)

Me: That’s an excellent question. But we don’t have time to answer that right now. Want a cookie? (crap, crap, crap, crap…where the hell is my husband…crap, crap…) How about two cookies?

Is nine (and a half)  too young? Should I keep pushing it off? Too old? Just right?

We forget sometimes how blissful it was to revel in that naivete. But this childhood innocence lasts for such a short time now. I mean, my kid’s favorite song (though I tried, so help me, I TRIED to deter it) is Gangnam Style. Yes, he and his little buddies dance around singing “Hey….SEXY lady…” at the bus stop. It’s like a runaway train. Once this this growing up business begins there’s no hand brake—we all just hold on for dear life and try to find a way to steer so we don’t crash too hard.

My kid is smart and perceptive, but he doesn’t question things too often. We watch the news together and I usually don’t get pummeled with questions when stories about gay rights or sexual abuse in the church or Zumba prostitution rings come up. Of course, I choose those moments to butt in with a question about school or Legos or the color of frog poop (as our friend says, “Look! A dirigible!”). But I actually have my answers prepped for those questions, so of course they haven’t come up. 

The sex talk is another story. I’m clueless.

So, parents…how did you break the news? Anyone have any advice? Books to buy? I could always just set him down in front of prime time TV and he’d figure it out pretty quick, but I’m thinking that’s not the right way to go…

I’ll  keep putting THE TALK off as long as possible, but I need to be prepared. The Girl Scout in me is in panic mode. Help?

 FLASHBACK: A little Salt-N-Pepa encouragement



 

 photo credit: oleyography via photopin cc

12 thoughts on “Someone tell me about the BIRDS and the BEES…”

  1. Katherine Scott Jones

    You crack me up. I laughed my way through this post. If it helps, which I doubt it will, last summer my husband took our then 10 yo (so, yes, in this age I think 9 1/2 is just about right) on a long bike ride. Halfway through, they parked, snacked, and had THE TALK. When asked recently by a friend, hubby said that no, he didn't do it from a book, he did it all from memory. And yes, it was awkward, but he hit that head-on too. ("Yes, son, I know it sounds creepy, but…') At any rate, you're on the right path: you're thinking about it, your instincts are kicking in. You–and your boy–will do just fine.
    My recent post Lisa T. Bergren, author interview

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  2. Michelle

    Oh man, I dread this!!

    I was 8 or 9 when my parents had the talk with me. My mom actually gave me a book to read (this one: http://www.amazon.com/Where-Did-I-Come-From/dp/08… and then we talked about it. I remember being fascinated by it more than anything. A little later, but in the same time frame, I read the follow up book (I think it's called "What Is Happening to Me?") to help explain puberty (I think that was more embarrassing than the sex talk, to be honest).

    It's NOT an easy subject to discuss, but it does sound like he's ready to hear the facts. Waah!
    My recent post Failing Parenthood

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  4. Kelli MW

    This is HILARIOUS!!! I have a 5 & 8 year old… and I grew up in a very Catholic home where the whole sex-talk was glossed over. I was "excused" from any sex ed classes because my mom insisted that if anyone was going to teach me about sex, it would be her. (which she never did follow through on) This only made me more naive… and yet, curious. But, that was the late 80s, early 90s –> no google! My friends filled me in… and I was still confused for a long time. Today, I'm as open with my kids as I can be. I use technical terminology when they ask questions, which bores them to tears, yet… informs them. Hey, I'll take it.

    Good luck — and great post!! Glad I stopped by from PYHO! CHEERS!
    My recent post Some Are Fancy On The Inside…

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  5. jennamccarthy

    LOL! As you know, I went straight for the basic facts (and then I got drunk). I figured I'd rather they hear it from me than some kid who has it all wrong. When I asked my husband what HE would have said, his reply was "I'd just take them to a farm and let them watch the animals. They'd figure it out." (Way to go, honey!)

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  6. bocafrau

    My kids both had "human health and growth" or something like that as part of their curriculum in public school in like 3 and 4th grade. I was quite surprised by how much information the kids got but it did make these types of discussions easier and we've always been very open with our kids. Good luck!!!
    My recent post The Knot In My Stomach

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  7. Shell

    OMG. I am NOT looking forward to this talk. At all.

    But then I realize that I was in third grade when someone told me what sex was- and that was back in the dark ages before the internet. So, my oldest is probably coming up to that age where if I don't tell him, someone else will.

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  8. Sue

    Oh, GIRL. Good luck with that. We've sort of bobbed and weaved around the topic, delivering factoids on a need-to-know basis…but the time will come when we have those heart-to-hearts. And I pray we'll have it all figured out by then. {some help I am, eh?}
    My recent post I’m at Sverve!

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