Survive the Rapture and Get Naked

Watch out world, a wild weekend awaits us all.

The BAD News: 

You had better party hard, kiss your kids, and knock as many items off your bucket list as humanly possible by Saturday.   Stop planning your Doomsday parties and trips to watch the aliens land in France in 2012 because you only have until this Saturday.

According to Family Radio, a so-called network of Christian Radio stations, Judgment day will be upon us May 21st 2011.  Yes, that’s this weekend.  Start praying or partying.  Family Radio has bought 1,200 billboards proclaiming the end of days nationwide and 2,000 overseas to scare us into submission.   Five caravans of followers have been criss-crossing the county to spread the word.

Funny how the billboards prominently advertise their website and live open radio forum.  Apparently marketing is a required class in wacko religious fundamentalism school because even though many of these people are certifiable, they manage to get their word out and bilk plenty of “believers” out of their social security checks and milk money in the process.

The radio programs have reported that great earthquakes will shake the Earth (at 6 p.m. EST if you want to brace yourself or go hide under your sturdy desk) and believers will be called to the heavens while the unrepentant will be “thrown to the ground and shamed.”

I’m hoping it’s similar to the morning after walk of shame.  Although unpleasant and embarrassing, it is certainly survivable even if one’s pride is no longer in tact.

I will be sure to have my loved ones beside me and a top-notch glass of wine in hand as I watch the clock tick down Saturday.  Just in case.

The GOOD News:

If you manage to rise from the ground after Saturday evening’s cataclysm just dust off your knees and dump your clothes.  You won’t need them for Sunday’s main event: the Streak the Cove 5K Run. 

Yup.  It’s a naked 5K.

While that might be rather freeing and spare runners from chafing, well ladies, wouldn’t that just hurt a bit?  There is a reason women spend a small fortune in search of the perfectly supportive jog bra.   I suppose many men will be thrilled to sway in the breeze while imagining themselves as the original Olympians, but wouldn’t all that knocking be distracting?

I have a feeling the spectators will far outweigh the participants.  Which is all good and fine if the runners looked like this:

Considering the resort offers a steep discount to visitors 18-35 (and hey–kids are free!) I really don’t think the hot runner above is the average participant and guest.  Damn.

Alas, a trip to Cypress Cove is not going to fit into my weekend plans, but I give kudos to those who make it (and show it off).   Maybe they should advertise free admission and wave the race entry fee to all wide-eyed Family Radio listeners.  Give the caravan free on-site camping.  Offer them a complementary post-race drink at Scuttlebutts Lounge or Cheeks Bar and Grill.

After all, followers  are going to be searching for a new cause to dedicate themselves when they wake Sunday morning here on Earth without angel wings.  Why not go Natural?  I just hope they remember to bring LOTS of sunscreen.

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