Dear Bright House Networks,

To put it succinctly: you suck.

Our tumultuous relationship has endured so many problems throughout the years I have had to repress  memories like an abused girlfriend.  From the cable going out during the Superbowl to home phone service disappearing while I had a jaundiced newborn, your crappy customer service and constantly inconsistent internet peculiarities are slowly driving me insane.  And help keep my local wine store in business (I should investigate if you own any of their stock).

I know I don’t call you as often as should.  I don’t call at 10 p.m. when the only channel I want to watch is suddenly unavailable because I know I won’t get to sleep for hours; instead I’ll be replaying my fight with the cranky swing shift service rep desperately in need of a Red Bull.

 I don’t call when the TV guide channel mysteriously disappears for days leaving me no freaking idea what is on my 70 to 150 channels (depending on the day, the particular television set and your mood).

I don’t call when the box resets during the season finale of my favorite show or when my child has an absolute meltdown as he discovers his favorite channel has been suddenly dropped from your ever-changing line-up.  I should  require one of your reps take him to Chuck E. Cheese so I don’t have to deal with his tears.

I don’t call when the phone goes out in the middle of a conversation.  It actually comes in handy when talking to certain family members and it would be brilliant if I had bill collectors calling. I don’t use the home phone much anyway but I did just use up 96 minutes of my stingy cell phone plan dealing with your incompetent minions.  You can take that off my rapidly rising bill.

Two hours of my life were just wasted by your untrained internet support team.  Two hours I should have spent working (or at least pretend to).  Two hours during which I had a feverish child calling for a Popsicle and juice while I was trapped underneath my desk tangled in a pile of wires with a phone squished to my shoulder and a flashlight propped under my chin.  And I understand it is not your fault I do not regularly clean below my computer tower, but thanks for ruining my cute white capri pants anyway.

Yes, I do know how to check if my computer is actually on.  And why yes, I did reset my modem, just as I have had to do countless times before when your services have screwed up.   Thanks so much for making me disconnect my wireless router when you didn’t know how to reconnect it so I then had no wireless service AT ALL.  My husband will be thrilled when he comes home and cannot get any work done on his laptop.  No biggie. I’m sure he won’t mind driving back to his office for a few more hours.  No, I cannot call the router manufacturer; it WAS working before I called you, just slowly.  YOU screwed it up.  YOU need to fix it.  No, I will NOT have a nice afternoon.

Two customer service reps later (they were at least here in the U.S. not Mumbai) and I had your touch and go crappy internet service running once more.  Isn’t this what you pay service technicians to do?  I’d like my $25 an hour for technical services I provided please.  You can take that off my bill also.

Then there is that little issue about your billing. You are not selling used cars.  There is no reason my neighbor should be paying less and getting more services. I have good credit and I have paid my bill on time for over ten freaking years.  Do not make me turn on my car-haggling-bitch mode.  You do not want to go there.  I know you pretty much have a monopoly over this whole phone/internet/TV scam, but I am tired of being screwed.  I feel dirty and used after I deal with you.

Bright House, I would not take this crap from any person (especially one not related by blood).  I think it is well past time we terminate our volatile and contemptuous relationship.  I deserve better.  And you owe me a case of wine for my troubles.

Sincerely,
(who am I kidding…I’m just being polite)

A Soon-to-be Ex-Bright House Customer

P.S.

I found it absolutely delightful your automated customer service just called as I was writing this to take up more of my time with a survey. Just so you are clear about my answers: 

Was I satisfied with my Bright House services?  Utterly and Completely Dissatisfied.

Was I satisfied with the knowledge demonstrated by the technicians?  Who are you kidding? I know you recorded the conversations. Completely Dissatisfied.

Please rate your overall Bright House experience.  I think I made myself clear with the FIFTH rep I yelled at earlier.  Are you stupid?  Completely Dissatisfied.

How likely are you to recommend Bright House services to others?  Baby, I’m telling as many potential customers as possible how much you suck. Unless you can do some major ass kissing, our relationship is OVER.

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