Dear Kiddo,
You know I love every cell in your beautiful, rapidly growing body from the tiny mole on your foot to the Molluscum bumps on your chin. I love you when you are being an absolute angel snuggled up to me covering me with kisses and I love you when you hose down the bathroom with errant pee. {You just may not realize my screams and rants are words of love and devotion.} But I do, I swear. Always and forever no matter what.
But I have to tell you, this middle-finger obsession is driving me too close to the brink of sanity.
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| {Not MY child} |
I wish I knew which rotten little ruffian thought he was so cool when he flipped the bird on the school playground last month and exposed innocent children to this crude and obscene gesture. I have a strange desire to coat that brat’s finger with industrial strength Bengay. So he’d have to leave it up. For a long time.
Ever since that day you have a flagrant obsession with everything touching, brushing, bending, or grazing either of your tiny middle digits.
At least 25 times a day (and sometimes 25 times an hour) you come racing over to me, trying to rat yourself out by questioning the appropriateness of your hand gesture.
Mommy, I touched the table and my middle finger was a little higher than my other fingers. I that okay?
Mommy, I was scratching and my middle finger stayed on my arm longer. Is that okay?
Mommy, I was in the shower and the soap slipped out of my hand and my middle finger came up a little…
Mommy, uh, I was eating my sandwich and some jelly got on my middle finger and I licked it off so it was up and…
Mommy, I was peeing and my middle finger was on top, so it was higher than my other fingers…
And several times a day:
Mommy, uhm, I was thinking about my middle finger and…
STOP IT. I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT ANYMORE.
For the life of me, I cannot figure out why you are hell-bent on ratting yourself out.
In the beginning I was patient and kind. I gently answered each and every redundant question. I have told you IT’S OKAY at least a thousand times by now.
No, you are NOT giving anyone the highway salute, the Bronx salute, the one-finger salute, the bird (as in giving, flipping, or flying the bird), or flipping off someone. You are NOT IN TROUBLE.
I do apologize for the day when I kind of lost it after you told me about your finger for the 68th time and I finally showed you explicitly what you are not allowed to do. I flipped you a perfect, intentional bird. And told you not to do this EXACT GESTURE to someone. That’s it. If you are not doing that exact gesture you are golden. The end.
But you still refuse to let it sink in.
You are a good-hearted and very intelligent 7 1/2 year-old. You can read Harry Potter. You are nearly at my level in math. Just don’t flip anyone the bird.
Tell me all about your day at school or at camp. I want to hear every detail of why Obi-Wan can wield a lightsaber better than Anakin (or is it vice-versa?) or how Sponge Bob can fart bubbles or how the kid in your group eats his boogers, but please, I beg you, not another freaking word about your middle finger.
Or I may have to tape your fingers together like you asked me to do last week.
Lol… kids, ahhh you gotta love them, especially when they're in bed and you're holding your glass of wine for the evening… Cups Up! xoxo
Love this! This reminds me of when my darling little brother decided to let the word "ass" slip out in front of my 3-year-old and we had a similar situation, though fewer questions and more just repeatedly saying "ass"…all the time. In public. In front of my husband's grandparents. At least your little guy isn't constantly just flipping people off AND the situation makes for good blog fodder. Too funny.
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Too Funny! Make sure to let him read this when he gets older. OR better yet, have his girlfriend read it. Kids!
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This really made me laugh out loud! I can totally see my 6 1/2 year old going on and on about it the exact same way! This was so, so funny.
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The solution is obvious – find him a new obsession STAT.
They are so funny at that age – well, they are funny to those of us who don't have children that age!
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That's hilarious. Why do kids obsess like that?
Oh yes, my son did this flipping the bird thing for bit too. Now, now it's mostly bad language. Always followed by, I didn't mean to do/say that/ So frustrating. Of course, my girls have their own form of this. They both seemed worried bout their boobs or lack thereof. Meggie also asked me where are her balls like Sean? Pretty sure nothing really prepares you for the real deal in parenting. It's mostly a crash course in maintaining control of some sort.
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Too funny….I thought for sure you'd say he was running around flipping people off, instead of going to the opposite extreme. I hope he moves on to something else soon!
This is hysterical! I love your illustration of what not to do! I'm sure he'll appreciate this story when he's older!
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That is funny!!
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Ummm…as I was typing, I accidentally picked up my middle finger a little hire then the others….I hope you don't think I was giving you the bird! I swear I didn't mean too.
This post is so funny! Thanks for the giggles!
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I also thought this was going to be about him cackling like a maniac as he proudly flipped the bird to a bus full of nuns or something, so I suppose it's a tiny consolation to you that he is hyper-sensitive to the fact that it's not appropriate. However, it sounds annoying as heck and grounds for me to use my own middle finger to pop the cork on a bottle of wine and drown my sorrows.
I do remember the first time I did it. It felt so strange, like writing with the wrong hand or something, and I felt guilty despite the fact I did it alone in my room with no one around. I was a weirdo 😉 Cute post.
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Oh my gosh! This made me laugh so hard…I'm living that right now too, with my 5 yr old.
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hilarious! and i love his excuses. glad you can find humor in the annoyance…at least in the future 🙂
stopped by from mama kat's.
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HA! This is so freakin' funny. I just love you and adore your kid!
too funny! i love all of the questions to check in and make sure he's not being offensive!
Outstanding. That child would fit right in at my place. As would you. xo
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Freaking hilarious. Stop thinking about the finger. Move onto something else.
hahahaha! i feel your pain. my son is too young to understand this sort of thing, but he's got a big obsession with bathrooms. i was kind of hoping the obsession stage would be over by age 3 or 4 but i guess not!
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LOL!!! I feel your pain. Here, let me pour you a nice glass of rioja. There. Now isn't that better? Cheers! 😀
Ha! Taping the fingers together is a great idea. My little daughter gave me the "chinese middle finger" by sticking up her pointer- where do they get this???
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Hahahahaha! I initially thought it was going to be a post about an obsession about actually flipping the bird, not just thinking about it! You obviously have an awesome kid!
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My son is currently obsessed with the word "actually" and the number 88. He uses both of them so often I could SCREAM!
I love this! Kids are so smart!
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