Dear Parent: You Fail

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Uninvolved, lazy, and uneducated parents of Florida beware:  YOU may soon receive a failing grade on your kid’s report card.

Representative Kelli Stargel (R-Lakeland) wants teachers to grade the parents of their  pre-k through third grade students.  As the Mom of an intelligent, well-prepared kiddo thriving in our public school system I am not exactly shaking in my boots.  But some parents should be.

According to the Orlando Sentinel we would be rated our ability to:

  • Send back teacher’s notes and acknowledge their existence in our world
  • Make sure our darlings do their homework (no matter how much they may protest) and study for tests (can you say “spelling words”?)
  • Get our kids on the bus or through the carpool line regularly and on time
  • Remember to feed (and water) our children and require them to get a decent night’s sleep


I’m actually pretty excited about this.  I may get a kick-ass grade for simply doing what I  do anyway.  Common sense earns a bonus.  Whoo-hoo!

But for those “other” parents– I’d bet their Lucky Strikes it won’t be the first “unsatisfactory” grade they have ever seen sent home from school. There’s always the chance that someone else calling them out on being a crappy parent might get them to put down that t.v. remote and pick up their kid’s homework assignment.  They may even get riled up enough to call the school (but most likely the news crews first) indignant and raging over being called an “unsatisfactory” parent.  But I doubt it.  These parent’s kids probably started forging their Mom’s signature on their report cards in Kindergarten.

I’m wondering if some parents will try for extra credit.  You know who I’m talking about: the helicopter moms who try to micromanage not only their kid’s lives but their classroom as well.  The nosy “I can do your job better than you” moms who volunteer in the classroom not to actually help the teachers, but to check up on them and make sure they are treating their kids like the extremely gifted, perfectly behaved, future prom king/queen and student council president they believe them to be.  Most likely, those kids will end up as stuck-up, entitled  Mama’s boys/girls still living at home at age 30, but those parents deserve to reap what they sow.  But at least their kids will have learned something in school.

The fact of the matter is, the parents who would actually care about getting a satisfactory grade on their kid’s report cards are already doing their jobs.    And the parents who refuse to communicate with the teachers, who let their kids run wild and don’t even have the time or inclination to make sure they have food on the table aren’t going to give a rat’s ass about a little piece of paper.

Most schools which receive overall failing test scores and grades don’t have a teacher problem.  They have a parent problem.   



Which is too bad for the schools.  And even worse for the kids.  They deserve better.

Snooki Writes a Booki–Not A Shore Thing

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The degradation of society is complete. Snooki wrote a book: A Shore Thing.  Excuse me–a mind-numbing “novel” providing a few hours of oversexed and undereducated entertainment for the masses.  Someone please bring me some tequila–as long as it’s not a body shot off a juicehead gorilla.  (Huh?)

Apparently she is a little confused about which way the words go…

It is my habit to race for the remote when realty show celebrities are mentioned. This morning, however,  I nearly snarfed coffee through my nose  as Matt Lauer interviewed the Jersey Shore guidette on the Today Show.  I just couldn’t look away as this Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi described how we can tell she really did write the book (using crayons? dictating into her cell phone?) “’cause like it’s all my language…”   Supposedly it took her three months to write along with her co-writer,Valerie Frankel, who helped her through all the hard work.  Writing a book is hard?  Um, like, no way?  I hope Ms. Frankel received an extremely  lucrative paycheck to compensate for dumbing herself down enough to write this trash.

Below are some of the *novel’s* finer quotes (courtesy of the New York Post)

* “He had an okay body. Not fat at all. And naturally toned abs. She could pour a shot of tequila down his belly and slurp it out of his navel without getting splashed in the face.”

* “Yum. Johnny Hulk tasted like fresh gorilla.”

* “Any juicehead will get some nut shrinkage. And bacne. They fly into a ‘roid rage, it is a ‘road’ ‘roid rage.”

* “Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky.”

* “Gia had never before been in jail. It wasn’t nearly as gritty and disgusting as she’d seen on TV prison shows. The Seaside Heights drunk tank — on a weekday afternoon — was as clean and quiet as a church.”

* “I love food. I love drinking, boys, dancing until my feet swell. I love my family, my friends, my job, my boss. And I love my body, especially the badonk.

I’m not sure if I was overwhelmed with curiosity or nausea when I heard that Simon and Schuster agreed to pay this skank an ungodly sum of real money (would she have noticed if they used Monopoly cash?) to write this tale of guidettes with “one goal in mind: hooking up with a sexy gorilla.”  I think I’m gonna hurl.

I don’t watch the train wreck some consider a show. I would have been thrilled if I never knew any of these cretins were sharing my oxygen.    But one night I flipped to the Jersey Shore (while the Hubby was out of town so there were NO witnesses) to see what the big deal was.  After five minutes I could count the brain cells being sucked through my glazed-over eyes.
It was painful.  It was depressing.  It was…reality?  Whose? 

And how may people who may be  interested enough in Snooki to plonk down 25 bucks of their bar tab money actually READ books?  Maybe they should have made a comic or a picture book?

Snooki’s Top Ten Reasons you should buy her book:

You’re watching Snooki presents on ‘Late Show’ 1/10/11 – TV Replay. See the Web’s top videos on AOL Video

Last April, after she was arrested for disorderly conduct, her judge asked if she was “trading her dignity for a paycheck.”  How many Shore fans are going to trade their paychecks for this 289 page tome?  (Amazon can bundle it with Here’s the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore by Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino and Gym, Tanning, Laundry: The Official Jersey Shore Quote Book by MTV if you really want to destroy your mind.)  You bet your badonk I’d rather save a tree or use it for toilet paper.

The Battle of the Bed

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Last January I fought the Defective Maytag Washing Machine War.  It seems this year’s campaign will be The Battle of the Bed.

The Master bedroom, especially for anyone with kids, is supposed to be a  haven, an adults-only escape from the craziness lurking outside the door. 

Okay, so this is not my bedroom…
…or this one…but a girl can dream…

 

I’ve been working hard to create our sanctuary. I painted my walls a serene blue, surrounding myself in tones of the sky and sea.  I refinished all the furniture and dusted the tops with scented candles and cherished photos. The floors and bathroom were painstakingly remodeled with my own bloodied fingers, gallons of sweat, and occasional tears.  The baby/kid stuff is banished.  The decor now sets the mood for comfort and tranquility. But I still can’t get a decent night sleep.

My damn bed squeaks like a rusty summer camp cot.

Now, I know many beds tend to squeak a little bit.  And yes, sometimes couples pride themselves on how loud they can get that bed rocking.  But I’m talking about moving a hand, wiggling a toe, an 8 pound cat stretching and we are rudely roused by the metal springs screeching.

All.  Night.  Long.

At first it was funny.  (Hey, maybe we broke the bed…wink, wink.)   At times it became creepy.  (Was that a mouse?  A branch scraping the window?  A monster dust bunny prowling under the bed?)  Eventually it became unbearable. (Can you fix me a Chardonnay &  Unisom nightcap please?)
 

The bed is under warranty by Sealy.  It was purchased from Costco.  I am caught in the vicious circle of each party saying the other has to do something about it.   I just want SOMEONE to take responsibility for the valid warranty and do something about the problem (i.e. replace my squeaker with silence).

I just sent my Hubby of to confront Costco again. I get too frustrated and flummoxed in the face of deaf customer service reps.  Together we often play good cop/bad cop (or irrational PMS woman and her poor husband who deserves a break because he has to deal with her) but I’m just not in the mood to get my blood pressure soaring today.

And if we finally do wear Costco down and they agree to return or exchange the mattress set, how do we transport it without tipping our little car over?  Don’t laugh–we came very close one time (see previous post with 20 foot tree hanging out of trunk).

I wish we could afford to just junk it or trade it in for one of those space-age foam mattresses.  I always wanted to practice cheer-leading jumps while resting a full glass of wine on my mattress–haven’t you?

Maybe it’s all a plot by my husband so I won’t nag him about his teeth grinding habit anymore.

I’m just ready for a non-medicated night of silence and solid sleep.  
And if the bed starts squeaking it’s for a good reason.

Mean Mommy Monday

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It all started this morning at 7:15 when an overeager little boy roused me from my dream.  Can I play wii yet? he whispered.   No, we are still in bed,  I mumbled from under the pillow.  Why don’t you come and snuggle with us?    Okay…  If I snuggle for 5 minutes can I play wii?   Sometimes I take whatever I can get.

By 8 a.m. my kiddo was throwing the wii remote in frustration, didn’t want breakfast, and it began…the whining.

“I’m   BOOOORRREEEDDD!  There’s NOTHING to DOOOOO!”

That laboriously drawn-out, sing-songy drawl proclaiming he is the most neglected, lonely, and toyless child in the entire Western Hemisphere.  Perhaps the entire world.


As if “Santa” hadn’t toiled for months shopping for the most dazzling, stimulating, and entertaining slew of presents to open that chilly Christmas morning a mere week ago.  As if unopened new puzzles, books, video games and Lego boxes were not haphazardly stacked in all corners of his over-stuffed bedroom.  As if there wasn’t a garage bursting with new Razor scooters and basketballs, perfectly good bikes and baseballs begging to be played with.

No.  There was NOTHING to do.  

For three hours I fought the whining.  He wanted to go somewhere.  He wanted to do something.  Somethings that entailed driving across town in traffic and spending money. 

I nearly gave in.  I climbed out of my comfy sweats and into some real clothes, broke out the flat iron and even put on eyeliner and concealer.

My hubby even commented on how nice I looked.  Meanwhile the kiddo continued his whining, following me around the house as his nasally, nasty, kvetching bored into the center of my brain.  That was it.  I marched right back into the bedroom, but my sweatshirt back on and proclaimed that we were not going ANYWHERE.

I was not going to reward miserable, spoiled behavior by giving him exactly what he wanted.

It was time to learn a lesson. 

But why did it have to be when I was actually having a decent hair day?

So, since there was nothing to do, not a single toy to play with, I decided to give him something to do.

Laundry.
He didn’t like that.

The frown grew longer, the sighs grew deeper, and the attitued multiplied exponentially.

The wii was taken away for the day.  A meltdown of epic proportions (at least for our house) followed.

After tossing around his stuffed animals while sobbing about the rank injustice in his miserable life he passed out.  And looked like the little angel he is 95% of the time.

Because he is a good kid.  A pretty amazing kid actually.  My job is just too keep him that way.

I woke him at lunchtime.  And somewhere, off in the vaporous clouds of dreamland, he found his smile.

We spent the afternoon doing yard work.  Okay, I spent the afternoon doing yard work while he played contently in his sandbox and occasionally helped me stick some dead branches in the trash.  Politely and with a smile on his face.  He rolled up the 100 foot hose and we sat together in the hammock snacking on some of Grandma’s homemade chocolate covered pretzels.   Being nice and helpful gets rewards.  He’s learning.

And so am I.

Om for the Holidays

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How I WANT to feel (see above)
vs.
How I ACTUALLY feel (see below)




This morning I had a doctor appointment I have been dreading for months. I’ve been having nightmares about it for a week solid. Not only was it a 45 minute drive to get there but I missed my exit and had to pay double tolls to get there in time. Three minutes after I arrived the nurse announced to the packed waiting room that the doctor was in surgery and running late, our appointments would be pushed back 3 hours, and would we like to wait?

Two minutes later I huffed across the parking lot in full vent mode with my poor hubby on the phone feeling the brunt of my frustration. NO I’m not waiting. NO I’m not driving back. NO I don’t want to reschedule right now–it’s the holidays–I don’t have the TIME! I could feel the blood pulsing as I cranked the ipod up as high as I could without blowing my car speakers and tore out of the parking lot to deal with my other chores.

Three songs and ten miles down the highway I came to a realization. It’s not their fault I live so freaking far away. And I’ve caused that same doctor to be called away from the office for my own emergencies over the years. It’s not their fault it took my insurance company this long to get everything approved and the appointment happened to fall during the holidays. I needed to calm down and get a grip.

Yes, the holidays are already getting to me. I am doing my part to revitalize the economy by heartily supporting wine sales and stress-induced doctor visits.

And forget about the bird–I think I’ve been shot with a turkey injector thrusting anxiety directly into all of my vital organs. Money, family, perfect presents, lavish meals, and never-ending drama, drama, drama…

I passed a billboard flashing “Only 7 days until Black Friday!”


I don’t want to think about waking up at 4 a.m. to push through cranky crowds in an under-caffeinated craze fighting over the last zhu zhu pet. I don’t want to rush from store to store stressing to find the perfect gift for some finicky acquaintance who will most likely end up shoving it in her closet or giving it back to me in a year or two because she forgot I even gave it to her.
But Black Friday rock-bottom prices are how we afford to put a suitable spread under the tree and give everyone enough presents to unwrap. That’ s what Christmas is all about, right?

I have spent countless of hours (and gone through a few cases of wine) trying to please and appease others to no avail. For some reason, this season causes some adults to act like two-year-olds in the midst of a pixie stick and Red Bull induced tantrum. It seems no matter what I say or do, someone is bound to be pissed off. I give up.

I’m just not feeling any of the love, peace, or happiness I wish to everyone each year in our holiday card. Where’s the harmony? The goodwill and charity? Am I the only one that realizes that’s what this damn season is about?

It’s time I take a self-centering step back from the commercialism, gluttony, and emotional blackmail being force fed to me. I need to find my quiet amidst the clamor, the calm in my heart and my soul.

I must seek out and savor the things in life I am truly blessed and thankful for–and there are so many amazing things. I am a lucky woman and I have a wonderful life. (And I think I should watch that movie, now that I think of it…)

I must learn to tune out those who thrive on malevolence and discontent.

I will not allow my self to be stepped on or taken advantage of and I will say “No” kindly yet firmly and without excuses.

I will strive to exude kindness, patience, and understanding to all, even if they are stealing the last Lego Harry Potter wii game while flipping me the bird.

I will focus on the things that really matter–the utter joy on my son’s face when he sits under the glowing tree, the celebrations of friendships both old and new, and the love shared within a family which knows no bounds.


And I will to go to yoga class tomorrow morning and find my OM…

Excuses and time-killers

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Just call me a slacker. I’ve been caught up in the fifty million other things that eat away at my time, patience, and mind instead of writing. And now I am riddled with guilt and feeling as if I should be working the drive through at Micky-D’s to earn my keep since I have not been clicking away at the keyboard all the livelong day.

But I’ve been busy…
Really, I have…

I made a homemade kick ass Jedi costume. From scratch. With a sewing machine. It rocked. My kiddo LOVED it was a big hit when trick-or-treating. All the “Look! There goes a Jedi!” comments made the countless hours, needle pricks, machine maladies, and wiggly child-model snaps worth it.

I joined a gym. I have NEVER belonged to a gym in my life. I suck at every sport known to man (or woman), have no endurance, can’t run, and lack the coordination necessary to do even the simplest exercise routine. But sitting in front of my computer started melding my derriere into a fuller shape than my pants allow, so I reluctantly gave in when my friend convinced me to give it a try with her. And I discovered I LIKE IT–once the agonizing muscle burn went away. And I got to buy some new gym clothes–anything for motivation, right?

I planned and successfully executed Kiddo’s 2 days of birthday celebrations–school cupcakes, mini-golf, homemade cake, kids party, adult party. The Hubby and I actually went to two amazingly intimate rock concerts at the House of Blues. We made five theme park visits, two airport runs, a couple of doctor appointments, and a parent/teacher conference. We fought with incompetent roofers, searched for new home and car insurance, and spent countless hours on the phone with antagonistic health and dental insurance “customer service” associates.

I currently have two bathrooms in various stages of renovation. One has a new vanity and both have new floors (planned) and new toilets (NOT planned). I will continue to spend hours scouring stores and searching online for the perfect shower curtain and artwork. Instead of writing. Because it is important, right? And now I can feel the grout-less tub surround calling me, begging to be finished. And the baseboards. And the blank walls….

I read some amazing books, some ridiculously long books, and a few crummy ones as well. I spent far too much time nosing around old acquaintance’s current lives on facebook. I was sick.

And now the holidays are approaching, the pressure is starting to build, and I just don’t want to deal with it.

I have a plethora of excuses and no real explanations. It’s time to get cracking again.

Celebrating Literacy and Hilary Duff?

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Today is International Literacy Day, a day to celebrate the four billion readers worldwide (my Kiddo now making it four billion one) and bring awareness to literacy programs globally. A day near and dear to my bookworm-filled heart.

And the day I discovered Hilary Duff has a novel coming out next month…

One step forward, two steps back. I guess if celebutante Lauren Conrad can become a popular novelist, the ex-tween-Disney-channel-pop-queen can as well. Why not? I’m sure Hilary’s YA romantic thriller will be a classic to revere for generations. They make getting published seem so damn easy. I’ll bet their book editors had their work cut out for them though…
The BBC Top 100 Book List has been floating around cyberspace in a few incarnations for a while now and I thought it was an appropriate topic for today. Supposedly, the BBC believes most people will have only read 6 of the 100 classic books here. I don’t necessarily agree with all of their choices, but at least Lauren Conrad did not make the cut.

Go ahead, see how your reading habits stack up.
I scored 52–I still have a bit of reading to do. I just hope I am ahead of Hilary…

BBC TOP 100

1. [x] Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen
2. [ ] The Lord of the Rings – JRR Tolkien
3. [x] Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte
4. [x] Harry Potter series – JK Rowling
5. [x ] To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee
6. [% ] The Bible
7. [x] Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte
8. [x] Nineteen Eighty Four – George Orwell
9. [ ] His Dark Materials – Philip Pullman
10. [% ] Great Expectations – Charles Dickens
11. [x] Little Women – Louisa M Alcott
12. [ ] Tess of the D’Urbervilles – Thomas Hardy
13. [x-] Catch 22 – Joseph Heller
14. [%] Complete Works of Shakespeare
15. [x] Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier
16. [x] The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien
17. [ ] Birdsong – Sebastian Faulk
18. [x+] Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger
19. [ ] The Time Traveler’s Wife – Audrey Niffenegger
20. [ ] Middlemarch – George Eliot
21. [+x] Gone With The Wind – Margaret Mitchell
22. [x] The Great Gatsby – F Scott Fitzgerald
23. [ ] Bleak House – Charles Dickens
24. [%] War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy
25. [ ] The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams
26. [ ] Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh
27. [x ] Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28. [x ] Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck
29. [x] Alice in Wonderland – Lewis Carroll
30. [% ] The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahame
31. [x] Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy
32. [ ] David Copperfield – Charles Dickens
33. [ ] Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis
34. [x] Emma – Jane Austen
35. [*] Persuasion – Jane Austen
36. [x] The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe – CS Lewis
37. [x] Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini
38. [x ] Captain Corelli’s Mandolin – Louis De Bernieres
39. [ x] Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden
40. [x] Winnie the Pooh – AA Milne
41. [x] Animal Farm – George Orwell
42. [x] The Da Vinci Code – Dan Brown
43. [x ] One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44. [ ] A Prayer for Owen Meaney – John Irving
45. [ ] The Woman in White – Wilkie Collins
46. [x] Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery
47. [ ] Far From The Madding Crowd – Thomas Hardy
48. [ ] The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood
49. [x] Lord of the Flies – William Golding
50. [x ] Atonement – Ian McEwan
51. [x ] Life of Pi – Yann Martel
52. [ ] Dune – Frank Herbert
53. [ ] Cold Comfort Farm – Stella Gibbons
54. [x] Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen
55. [ ] A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth
56. [ ] The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57. [?% ] A Tale Of Two Cities – Charles Dickens
58. [x] Brave New World – Aldous Huxley
59. [ ] The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time – Mark Haddon
60. [x ] Love In The Time Of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61. [x ] Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck
62. [ ] Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov
63. [ ] The Secret History – Donna Tartt
64. [ ] The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold
65. [x ] Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas
66. [x ] On The Road – Jack Kerouac
67. [ ] Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy
68. [x+] Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding
69. [x ] Midnight’s Children – Salman Rushdie
70. [x] Moby Dick – Herman Melville
71. [x] Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens
72. [x] Dracula – Bram Stoker
73. [x ] The Secret Garden – Frances Hodgson Burnett
74. [ ] Notes From A Small Island – Bill Bryson
75. [ ] Ulysses – James Joyce
76. [x ] The Bell Jar – Sylvia Plath
77. [ ] Swallows and Amazons – Arthur Ransome
78. [ ] Germinal – Emile Zola
79. [ ] Vanity Fair – William Thackeray
80. [x ] Possession – AS Byatt
81. [x] A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens
82. [ ] Cloud Atlas – David Mitchell
83. [x] The Color Purple – Alice Walker
84. [ ] The Remains of the Day – Kazuo Ishiguro
85. [x ] Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert
86. [ ] A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry
87. [x] Charlotte’s Web – EB White
88. [x] The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom
89. [ ] Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90. [ ] The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton
91. [ ] Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad
92. [ ] The Little Prince – Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93. [ ] The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks
94. [x ] Watership Down – Richard Adams
95. [% ] A Confederacy of Dunces – John Toole
97. [x ] The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas
98. [x] Hamlet – William Shakespeare
99. [x] Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Road Dahl
100. [x ] Les Miserables – Victor Hugo
Go ahead, comment on your score…I’m curious…



Pub Trivia Time

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For one freedom-filled night each month the Hubby and I are allowed to pretend like we are still young, free, and somewhat intelligent.

I escape my role of a simple suburban stay-at-home mom and hit our local English pub for a night of pints, adult conversation and fiercely competitive pub trivia. I can dress in something besides playground clothes. I don’t have to worry about watching my mouth (in fact, no one swears like a buzzed Englishman–or woman). And there are absolutely no discussions about potty training or preschools. Heaven.

The Guinness and Cider start flowing and we all start to forget about our insane jobs and crazy lives. The inane sounds of Sponge Bob drift out of my subconscious, replaced by classic English Pop and Rock. And since it is an English Pub, this is not a night for girly little light beers or wussy wine (which, if you ask for, you have a choice of red, white, or pink). Jager Bombs, perhaps…

The many teams, consisting of up to seven smarty-pants, huddle around their pub tables, scribbling down answers to questions from all ends of the trivia spectrum. Each answer is then debated in sometimes fervent yet hushed tones before we finally settle on the final answer.

The competition is fierce, as there is usually a decent pot going out to the winning team–at least enough to cover the bar tab. Many teams have been joining us at the Pub for nearly a decade. There are teams we respect and don’t mind if they pull out a win over us and other teams we abhor (due to their cheating and overall poor sportsmanship) and must beat at all costs.

Below are the question for August’s Quiz (except for question 50, which was just too long for me to scribble down after a couple of ciders). It is one of our most difficult quizzes to date. And FYI: there are no books, internet, or other study aids allowed.

How well do you think you can do?

Answers are listed at the end–no peeking!



QUESTIONS:

1. Which is the rarest blood type: A, B, or AB?

2. What is the more common name for the Emperor Charles I?

3. At which two prisons did Johnny Cash perform live in concert?

4. What mountain range lies between France and Spain?

5. How may eyes are there in a standard deck of 52 cards?

6. Henry Alfred Kissinger was the first naturalized citizen to become Secretary of State. Where was he born?

7. What is the name of the British air craft carrier which docked this month at Port Canaveral?

8. Which scientific instrument is used to measure atmospheric pressure?

9. Complaints about this caused many broadcasters to filter the sound coverage of the 2010 World Cup.

10. Which team won the 2010 Six Nation Rugby Championship?

11. Name the skateboarding star nicknamed “The Birdman.”

12. In which year was the last execution at the Tower of London: 1901, 1920, 1941, or 1950?

13. Which rock band has been playing together for the most number of years?

14. What is the common name for the ailment tinea pedis?

15. Which person made headlines by appearing at Wimbledon for the first time since 1977?

16. Wimbledon also made headlines this year with one of the longest tennis matches played. Who was the match between and how long did the match last?

17. What is the formula of the Pythagorean Theorem?

18. Name the General fired by the Obama administration after he made disparaging remarks during a Rolling Stone interview.

19. Who is the youngest: Renee Zellweger, Jude Law, Jack Black, or Adam Sandler?

20. How many squares are on a chess board?

21. Who dropped two balls from the Leaning Tower of Pisa to prove a point: Newton, Galileo, Einstein, or Coppernecuis?

22. Which invention by Benjamin Holt improved farm life in 1900?

23. In June of 2010, Utah executed a prisoner by what controversial method?

24. What was the name of Madonna’s first album?

25. How many laps of 200 did Dale Earnheardt finish during his final NASCAR race, the 2001 Daytona 500?

26. Name the first husband and wife to win Best Male/Female Singer at the CMAs the same year.

27. Tourism increased 46% in this city after the release of Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.

28.Name the crooner also known as “Dr. Love” and “The Prince of Pillow Talk.”

29. What car maker cashed in on the retro craze by reintroducing the Cooper Mini in 2001.

30. At the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, how often is the Guard changed and how many steps does he take in his walk across the tomb?

31. How many females have been commissioned to fly the presidential helicopter?

32. Who was the Orlando Magic’s 1st round draft pick?

33. What Cold War Eastern European alliance was an equivalent of NATO?

34. What Bronze Age sculptor is famous for his piece The Kiss?

35. Who is the only Hollywooder besides Robin Williams and Tom Hanks to star in 7 films during the 1990’s grossing over 100 million?

36. What is the name of a group of lions?

37. What rock band includes members Frances Rossi and Rick Partiff and songs include Rockin’ All Over the World and Whatever You Want?

38. Put the movie studios in order from oldest to newest: Warner Brothers, Universal, MGM.

39. Which planet is the brightest object in the sky after the sun and the moon?

40. What American author’s works included The Raven and The Tell Tale Heart?

41. The Sami People are indigenous to which continent: Europe, Africa, South America?

42. Name the character who made his debut in the novel Red Dragon.

43. This designer profited by claiming that a woman looks beautiful wearing her boyfriend’s t-shirt and underwear.

44. This historic song was recorded right after the 1985 American Music Awards.

45. What does PDF mean?

46. This company appeared in 1990 as the first real competitor of Nintendo.

47. Name the American teen who had the Comprehensive AIDS Resources Emergency Act named after him.

48. What golfer won the British Open in both 2007 and 2008?

49. Which European automaker introduced the first side air bags in 1998?

ANSWERS:

1. AB

2. Charlemagne

3. Folsom and San Quentin

4. Pyrenees

5. 42

6. Germany

7. HMS Ark Royal

8. barometer

9. Vuvuzela

10. France

11. Tony Hawk

12. 1941

13. The Rolling Stones

14. Athlete’s Foot

15. Queen Elizabeth II

16. John Isner and Nicolas Mahut, 11 hours

17. a^2 + b^2 = c^2

18. General Stanley McChrystal

19. Jude Law

20. 64

21. Galileo

22. tractor

23. firing squad

24. Madonna

25. 199

26. Faith Hill and Tim McGraw

27. Savannah

28. Barry White

29. BMW

30. every 30 minutes, 21 steps

31. 1

32. Daniel Orton

33. The Warsaw Pact

34. Rodin

35. Julia Roberts

36. a pride

37. Status Quo

38. Universal, Warnner Bros., MGM

39. Venus

40. Edgar Allen Poe

41. Europe

42. Hannibal Lecter

43. Calvin Klein

44. We Are the World

45. portable document format

46. Sega

47. Ryan White

48. Padraig Harrington

49. Volvo

So, how did you do?

Unwinding on Star Island

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I am lounging on my porch, cooling my heels after this evening’s inane drama with a chilly glass (or two) of chardonnay to help speed up the process. A thunderstorm has been teasing my scorched grass, lingering around the outskirts of my yard for hours. I’m thrilled the thermometer arm has finally slid under the 80 degree mark, but the humidity is still hovering around 100% and I can see the moisture (and mosquitoes) hanging in the over-saturated air.

And I swear it is raining on my next-door neighbor’s lawn.

Ah, the joys of Florida.

Thankfully I am being thoroughly entertained by the most recent Carl Hiaasen novel, Star Island.

Thank you, Carl. Your new novel is exactly what I’ve been needing.

This new Florida fairy tale lampoons the glut of vaporous pop culture superstars taking over South Beach. The story revolves around Cherry Pye, a rather randy disaster of a lip-syncing pop star–essentially a Brittany Lohan. The cast of characters includes her spunky “stunt double” Ann DeLusia; Bang Abbot, an obsessed and odorous paparazzo turned inept kidnapper; and Chemo, a weed whacker wielding bodyguard charged with keeping her from going on a permanent bender. Throw in the requisite corrupt developer and the endearingly off-kilter crusader Skink and I am in for an entertaining ride.

I may have been dedicating most of my book related blog posts to Chick Lit and romances, but a special place in my book-loving soul is saved for smart and snarky satires.

And the King of that genre is Carl.

I read his first novel, Tourist Season when I was a young and impressionable reader around the age of 14.

And I friggin loved it.

The blatant sarcasm. The witty repartee. Murder, mayhem, and outrageous characters that seemed to push the envelope of parody…yet if you ever lived in South Florida, you were surrounded by them everyday.

Hiaasen tells of the dregs of society who somehow end up flowing (or fleeing) South and end up in the bizarre Wonderland called Florida. Who else can spin tales involving a crusading one-eyed ex-Governor turned Everglades hermit who dines primarily on road kill? Or a deranged red-neck with a decaying pit bull head attached to his arm? And why not dump a spiny sea urchin into the diaper of a greedy developer who paid crackheads to cut down acres of endangered mangroves in the Florida Keys? It’s absolutely brilliant and rather appropriate. I have secretly always wanted drop shopping bags full of snakes on a cruise ship and feed annoying tourists to a crocodile named Pavlov.

His books always have an unlikely hero, a gorgeous and gutsy young woman, corrupt bad guys to foil (usually developers, crooked politicians, and someone trashing the environment), a whacked-out ally who may be the voice of reason, and tons of examples of why most Floridians should be chased back out of the state or used for bait at Gatorland.

Perhaps I am biased because I am South Florida Native who has always been outraged over the “knock it down and pave it over” mentality of Florida transplants, developers, and politicians. I actually prefer swampland to strip shopping centers.



A little Florida before and after…

And it doesn’t hurt that my Mom went to high school with the guy, which is why we always referred to him just as “Carl” in my house. And he’s a Gator. I remember reading his savvy Miami Herald columns from the time I was old enough to pick up a newspaper (although sadly those should be on the endangered species list now as well).

I honestly can’t think of another author who can have me laughing out loud so frequently. I have to be careful about reading his books in public places. I could easily get kicked out of a library or off an airplane for sudden raucous outbursts. Drinking hot beverages while reading his novels can also be dangerous (coffee out the nose has been know to occur).

Carl’s black humor is usually laced with scathing truths regarding the callousness and immortality of our Sunshine State’s motley population. But sometimes I just need one of his clever capers to remind me how I tolerate living in this screwed up paradise we call home.

Crashing the RWAs

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Last Wednesday night Orlando was overrun with women with only one thing on their mind–romance.

The Romance Writers of America Annual Conference was held in a sultry and magical corner of O-town and from the moment I learned it would be here I knew I must be a part of it…one way or another.

I’m not a RWA member yet. I think if–no WHEN–I actually finish my first draft I will feel as if I deserve to be considered a genuine writer instead of just another hopeful hobbyist. Since I am not a card-carrying member I couldn’t attend the workshops, meet and greets, and networking events even if I had coughed up the $500 bucks it cost to attend. I just wish it could have been held here in O-town next year or the year after when I will be ready–and so I wouldn’t have to find the dough for plane fare and hotels in some far-flung city. Oh well, perhaps it will be a fabulous (and tax deductible) excuse for a mini vacation next year…

I wanted to get a feel for what it was like to be surrounded by so many professionals, and secretly hoped some of their insight and talent could be stealthily soaked up by some miracle of osmosis. Luckily a couple of my Book Club Girls decided that we should pay a visit during Wednesday night’s “Readers For Life” Literacy Autographing. My heart audibly palpitated at the thought of being let loose amongst 500 published authors.

Funny thing was, I had never heard of the vast majority of them. Of course I recognized Nora Robers, Jayne Ann Krentz, Sherrilyn Kenyon, and Linda Howard since their books regularly grace the NYT Best Sellers List…but I don’t read their books. I discovered that my idea of a romance novel is actually considered Contemporary Women’s Fiction, Chick Lit is a dying genre (oh no!), and trashy bodice-rippers are still heavily en vogue.

I (along with a couple thousand fellow book lovers) arrived armed with book bags, cameras and cash to find ourselves swimming in a sea of estrogen and expectations. Authors were lined up in neat rows, their books stacked in front of them displaying covers illustrated with fanciful images of lust and love.

Most writers had a few fans in front of their tables and seemed delighted to sign stacks of books lovingly presented to them by their admirers. The stars of the show were stationed in the back of the ballroom with lines of eager readers snaking through the crowd.

I hit Meg Cabot’s line at the start of the evening and picked up a signed copy of her latest lively read, Insatiable. I read the book when it was first released last month (checked out from the library, shhh!) so I already knew the spunky, tongue-in-cheek vamp story would be a welcome addition to my collection. Plus it looks good on my bookshelf (cool spine cover art). I was hoping there would be some copies of The Princess Diaries to pick up and have signed (come on, it’s practically a classic now) but I suppose I should have just brought my own since none were available. Anyway, it was fun to finally meet her after following her witty chatter on facebook for a while.

After navigating my longest line of the evening I dropped by Mary Kay Andrews booth. I love her breezy, Southern prose and I had some well-loved (and slightly beat-up) copies of Savannah Blues, Savannah Breeze, and Little Bitty Lies for her to sign. And I had to pass along how much I loved her beach cottage featured in last month’s Better Homes and Gardens.


Next I headed over to visit Jane Porter with a copy of Flirting with Forty. I have only read her “Modern Lit” novels–I had no idea she did Series Romance as well. I had a chance to chat with her for a little while, and found her delightful and down to earth. And she liked my new accidental haircut. (Never get a new hairstyle when voiceless and under the influence of cold meds.) How could I not love her?

But that was it. That was all the authors I had read.

My friends (and MANY other bibliophiles) went looking for some new books and browsed the author booths as if casually perusing a bookstore. I simply could not do it. There was no way I could walk right up to an author’s table, nonchalantly pick up one of her novels (created through weeks, months, or even years of blood, sweat and tears), read the back cover and then just put it down and walk away. OMG–it’s rejecting her right to her face. You might as well be saying her kid is too ugly or dumb for your taste. I was waiting for one writer to cry out, “Why don’t you want to read MY book?”


I hope they have thick skins. I overheard one woman (whose identity I shall protect) say, “NASCAR romances? Even I couldn’t read those…” It seems she was standing not quite far enough from the author, whose eyes widened in horror at the comment. Oops. But I can’t blame her–no way I could read one either.


Instead, I moved within the crowd, secretly coming up with snarky comments about the covers and titles. I read one Harlequin Romance when I was in high school, and it’s just not my thing. But apparently romance novels are still a hot commodity. Stacks of steamy cowboys, counts, princes, and billionaire tycoons (all with glistening abs of steel) stared up at me from the covers. And it seems only a true romance novel can make getting knocked up a story of passion and promise a happy ending.


Keeping up with the trends, vamps and other supernatural beings are hot, with their sultry, sharp teeth and dark, brooding gazes enticing women of all ages to cross over to the dark side.

And we couldn’t help but notice the abundance of Jane Austin related spin-offs. It seems that Mr. Darcy is eternally the epitome of romance…

All in all it was a fun night. I hope to be at the RWA Conference again…only next time with a finished novel and a book deal in the works…

…after all, the moral of the story is a girl can always dream…